Saturday, February 12, 2011
You know what I love? I love flying, I love shit exploding, and I love it when I can fly and make shit blow up simultaneously. If there are boobies jiggling around on screen and “America fuck yeah!” is blaring in the background? All the better.
So, naturally, one could see why I enjoyed Ace Combat 5. While, sadly, there ARE no bouncing funbags, nor is there a blaring anthem telling terrorists to lick my butt. Ace Combat 5 is an excellent flight simulating game that lets you climb into the cockpit of 1 of over a couple dozen (The reviewer can't be arsed to look up the exact number) planes, take off, and zoom through the skies making your enemies explode in fiery balls of death.
The game has a fairly simple premise. You start off as a pilot fresh out of the academy, your call-sign “Blaze” you are part of the Wardog squadron, a small 4-man team of pilots stationed on your home base “Sand Island”. Hailing from the nation of Osea, it is tasked to you and your 3 other wingmen to defend the skies of Osea! But, there hasn’t been a large scale war since the Belkan conflict so many years ago! So, naturally everything will turn out all good right? This is really only a 15 dollar game that will end with you doing boring patrol routes over the land and seas of Osea before you eventually retire as an old man right? NOPE. I FOOLED YOU!
The game starts off fairly slow, with you following the orders of your flight lead Captain jack Barlowe as you patrol a small stretch of sea and spot an SR-71 spy plane... However, attempts to hail it down are met with hostility, and you are quickly ambushed by a squadron of planes... But they are Yuktobanian fighters, a country with which you were allies for back during the Belkan war! Things quickly begin to spiral out of control as Jack crashes into the ocean below, making YOU the flight lead! Suffice to say, you have your work cut out for you as you have to fight tooth and nail for your country against Yuktobania's super weapons, and try to unravel what EXACTLY is going on behind the scenes.
What with the story out of the way. Let us examine gaming mechanics, yes? Ace Combat 5 is a good game with excellent controls. Fans of flight simulators will be pleased by the responsiveness and small changes you can make as you zoom and roll through the skies, and even if you aren’t a large flight simulator connoisseur the game's “Novice” mode allows you easier control over your plane for faster, easier maneuvering.
Graphics are to be expected of a middle PS2 game. It won't blow your mind by any means, but the planes are still QUITE pretty, and modeled accurately. The soundtrack is DEFINENTLY a place where the Ace Combat games have ALWAYS shown through. The music that plays throughout your journey will pluck at your heart, and make you feel mournful as you look down on the sea of your dead crewmen... Or revitalize your courage, and make you feel like you can break through any of the obstacles in your path with a BOATLOAD of missiles. Even if you do not PLAY the game, taking a look at the soundtrack alone will be a rewarding and enjoyable experience.
Some of the pros in this game (Besides those listed above) are it's excellent plane selection, and use of squadron customization. One can choose the EXACT planes which you and your comrades will dive into battle with, and while in the beginning you may have a mish mashed assortment of planes that look a bit goofy, by the end there is NOTHING more satisfying that diving through the battlefield with you and your partners in jet black F-22s blowing up everything in your path. Speaking OF satisfying, the game delivers when it comes to feeling like a badass. Enemies will wail and lament as you fly into the battlefield during the later levels, while allies will rejoice. Yelling such things as “The wings of Sand Island are here! There's nothing we can't do!”
However, it is NOT a perfect game by any means. The graphics for planes ARE pretty, but the ground usually just looks like a mash-up of random splotches of color. It LOOKS like the ground... But it isn't eye-catching by any means. Other things may depend upon the person playing. While -I- personally did not mind too much. The constant chatter of your wing mates saying “War is bad and wrong and badwrong” while gunning down a ton of enemy pilots got a LITTLE bit on my nerves after the 20th time is was repeated. Also, while this PERSONALLY was a plus for me, the strange-real world that the Ace Combat games are set in may be a little off-putting to some. With such names as “Osea” “Yuktobania” and “Belka” being thrown around, it may be a BIT hard to keep track of the separate countries.
Despite those flaws, Ace Combat 5 is a solid game with a fun story and even better game play. And, with it's New Game+ mode, it will keep you coming back for more and more to unlock the most powerful planes, and new custom paint jobs for your favorite jets. I would say that this is DEFINENTLY a game that anyone with a PS2 should get, especially as it's cheap, fun, and easy to access (This reviewer got his copy for only 15 dollars). In closing, I would like to give Ace Combat 5: The Unsung War, an 8/10. An excellent game with very minor flaws. Aces who have been flying the skies for years, and Nuggets who don't even have their wings alike should give this game a try.
Super Street Fighter Four is the newest installment in the street fighter series, and capcom has really done a good job of milking this one.
They've added 10 more characters over Street Fighter IV, and have balanced the game more (vanilla sagat)
However, if you really liked the old SF games, chances are you won't enjoy this one. SSF4 is considered one of the "easier" fighters, due to the fact that the actual speed of the fights is pretty slow. It's not as fast paced as games like MvC2, and your attacks don't do as much damage as in games like SF2. That being said, SSF4 is a great introductory game if you're trying to get into fighting games. It has many diverse fighters (even the shotos can play differently) and many different ways to play.
If you're interested in the game, but don't want to buy it, the tournaments are always fun to watch. Never before has such a simple game been so exciting to watch. Dat Stream has a giant amount of Stret Fiters, and is always happy to have more (fuck you guys that say no.)
Unless you play Guile.
If you're intending on buying it, www.eventhubs.com is a great place to get started with the game, and later you can head on down to www.shoryuken.com to learn more. Dat Stream usually has an Endless Battle going, and you can usually get an invite to it if you ask one of the regulars that plays.
The characters are very different, and can accommodate all ways to play. If you're into long range shenanigans, try playing Seth, or Dhalsim. If you're into rushing down the opponent, Adon is a great start. If you want to keep opponents the fuck away from you, you should hit up my nigga Gouken. If you're a complete faggot, try Blanka!
Fun experience with friends
Many different characters
Fun fighting games
Popular game, especially on the stream.
Great introduction to fighting games
Gets insanely competitive later
A very, very easy game to get mad at.
If you really want to get into the game, a fightstick is recommended, but not required.
Online is full of assholes, and usually dominated by spammers and "cheap" characters.
Capcom likes money. A lot. Chances are Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition will be a complete new disc. And that means a $40 game. Tournament Edition fightsticks hover around $100 to $150, and incredibly fancy ones can go for $300 (Hori fightsticks)
Not much of a story.
If I feel like it, I'll edit this some more later, but I'm hungry and tired right now, so my typing skills are ass.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Moon Over June: What the Fuck Am I Reading in Action
Fuck you, /v/. Fuck you for introducing me to the fuckery of Moon Over June and making me hate my own gender that much more. This webcomic…I don’t even know where to begin. How about we start by introducing the two main characters?
Our first heroine (if we can call her that) is Hatsuki, a Japanese-Canadian girl whose parents couldn’t get the pronunciation of her name right according to the kanji (it should’ve been Hazuki instead of Hatsuki), and so many people with more of an understanding of Japanese than her parents kept asking why she didn’t just change her name that to spite them she entered porn. …What? She also hates anything and everything Japanese. Also, after seeing a girl take a money shot to the eye, she became a female-only performer with a penchant for anal. Cue a shot of her getting anal fisted.
Summer Winters (seriously, that’s her fucking name) was a girl raised in a family of all boys. She hated her brothers and found the boys in her school immature, so she found girls completely superior. Her mom caught her making out with her best friend, so she shipped her off to an all-girls’ catholic school where she somehow seduces half of the school (How? She’s a ginger covered in freckles which look more like horrible acne than anything) and finds out she can squirt. She also makes awful dirty talk. Like “FUCKING FUCKING SHIT CUNTS YOU DIRTY CUNTPUSSYCUMSLUTNIGGERS” kind of dirty talk. She graduates and becomes…a gynecologist. Seriously.
The two eat, sleep, and fuck together…but apparently don’t like each other. Hatsuki is going to college to get a major in math (OMG A SMART PORN STAR NOWAI), where apparently most everyone recognizes her. If a guy asks to fuck her, she’ll only agree to piss on his face for 50 bucks, but if a girl asks, HEY LET’S GO FUCK IN THE BATHROOM! Meanwhile, Summer gets so turned on by looking at vaginas all day that she’ll take a nurse (because apparently this hospital is full of lesbian nurses) and fuck her in the supply closet. The two also have some strange habits. Hatsuki likes to wear a buttplug all day and wonders what it would be like to be a gay man—WAIT A MINUTE, you became a female-only porn star to avoid getting jizzed on and yet you wonder what it’s like to take it up the ass from the dude? LOGIC. Meanwhile, Summer masturbates with tampons (WOMAN TALK here, I don’t see how this would work, tampons are tiny) and—hurgh—EATS HATSUKI OUT DURING HER PERIOD. SERIOUSLY, EW. She also likes watching preggers porn.
Anyway, initially this comic seems to just be about poorly drawn sex. If you go to page 23, you can REALLY see how bad the anatomy is in this comic. There’s tweaking anatomy for style, and then there’s this. Anyway, the comic didn’t kick in until page 24 and I ALREADY disliked these two. 30 pages in, and there hasn’t been anything funny. It seems like a sad exercise in really bad anatomy and an excuse to draw girls putting things in themselves. Hell, why not just drop the plot and draw girls fucking? It’d be better than this poor excuse of a comedy. Basically, if it’s not Hatsuki and Summer having hate sex, it’s Summer practicing her belief of “It’s totally wrong if men do it, but if women do it it’s totally okay!” Case in point, in the most recent comic (Note: recent as of the time I wrote this, which was last summer), Hatsuki sees someone from an adjacent apartment spying on them (not like it’s hard, their windows are wide fucking open all the time and they prance about naked constantly). Summer has a shit fit because she thinks it’s a man and men are horrible disgusting pigs (amirite?), but when Hatsuki says it’s a woman, suddenly she wants to put on a show. By about page 46, the comic goes full-color, at which point you can see Summer’s freckles in all their glory. And what better way to ring in the color than with FISTING! And let’s not forget the bit where Hatsuki gives herself an enema! And then comes comic 54 and 55, where a guy comes into the dyke bar looking to score. Honestly, his lines are like Quagmire with even less subtlety. Jesus, there’s even a Goatse comic!
At this point, I’m really not sure what this comic is aiming for. Was it drawn for the porn? If so, it’s really not hot; the characters have poorly drawn faces and the anatomy is rather askew. I can get off better to Key characters than to this. Is it a comedy? If so, it’s really not funny; I’ve seen CAD comics that were funnier. Hell, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has better developed characters than this! Plus, the logic here is just astounding: when Summer hits on a woman (in one case trying to get a straight woman to have sex with her on a golf course), it’s totally fine, but if a man were to do the same, it’s horrible. I really, really hope the author doesn’t share Summer’s views and is writing this as a satire of the Womyn crowd because if she believes this, it makes me weep for my gender. Then there’s Hatsuki, who only fucks women on and off set yet wants to be a gay man. I AM COMPLETELY MISSING THE LOGIC HERE.
I wish I didn’t know this comic existed. But it does, and now for the next few days (or maybe hours, or whenever I read this entry again) I will be reminded of its existence and my deep wish that it wasn’t so.
Fast forward to a year later, and someone in the chat decides to link the most recent Moon Over June...and now Hatsuki and Summer are pregnant.
Let me repeat that: they are PREGNANT.
Also apparently Hatsuki got pregnant by doing a scene with a woman who had recently been jizzed in by a guy. Sperm does not work like this. And of course, Summer being Summer, she only got pregnant to fuel her own pregnancy fetish, and would only keep the child if it was female. To be honest, I pity the child for NOT being male; at least then it could have been given to a better family. Poor Moon will be raised by these womyn.
I really don't want to attempt to catch up on the comic. I managed to escape from its terrifying grasp, to put the awful memories of its content behind me. But with this new revelation...I feel compelled to go back. I feel drawn into its bloody, freckled, disgusting vagina folds to see what new feats of logic destruction have been attempted, what new levels of sheer anger and hatred for this comic and this author I can reach.
Help me, God.